This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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