hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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