I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
