Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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