FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
