it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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