I must be too annoying 4 u.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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