so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
