Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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