dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
