I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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