you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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