So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
