you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
