hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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