when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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