I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
