You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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