New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
