She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
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Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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