You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
