u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
