I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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