Umm I'm too high to move.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
