i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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