dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
