cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
