I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
