Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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