He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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