I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
