There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Is it because I queefed?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
