what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
