My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
