wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
