if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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