i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
