So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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