RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I AM VODKA MAN
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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