Her vagina should come with caution tape.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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