so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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