this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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