So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
