Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
