Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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