I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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