did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
