Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
