So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
