Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
