i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
