Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
