I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
