I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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