I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
