Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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