do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
