Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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