Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
